How's Them Apples?
by YastoraRisa
Summary: Raille Maddox was your typical American gang leader, a chick with a 'tude. One day, she moves to Japan, and now everyone thinks she's a boy! Along with her new friend Haruhi, she's going to give these rich kids a run for their money.
1. Welcome to Preps'R'Us

**Author's note:** Alright, welcome to my first Ouran FanFic! I hope you enjoy it, and I'll try to update it as regularly as I can. Please feel free to comment, flame, whatever, I honestly want to hear your opinions so I can improve. If you have any requested pairing, feel free. I'm open to both yaoi and hetero pairings. The only reason that I won't write yuri for this fanfic is that I can't picture that going on in this universe…sorry. If you really want a yuri pairing, I'll try to write it in, but no promises!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Ouran. If I did, I would be living with the incredibly hot, sexy beast that is Mori-sempai. Do not sue me for copyright infringement; this is bloody _fanfiction . net_, which means that the stories on here are written by _fans_, not the actual author. It's kinda obvious.

**Chapter 1: Welcome to Preps – R – Us**

I've never been a much of a sucker for things outside of scientific understanding. Karma, voodoo, spells, incantations, while they're fun to read about, they just don't exist. But as I stood in front my new school, eyes wide and jaw hanging in shock, two thoughts ran through my mind as I questioned my steady non-belief.

The first thought is probably the most obvious: This couldn't be the place. I mean, it was like a town in and of itself for Christ's sake! The buildings were simply gigantic, and the courtyard—if you could call it that—was essentially a park, equipped with ponds (probably filled with expensive koi), trees, benches, paths, and there was even a long, rectangular fountain-pond-thing down the center of it! Not to mention the Big-Ben-esque clock tower overshadowing the campus.

The second thought might appear to be less obvious at first, but if you think about it, it makes sense: Karma's a bitch. Like I said earlier, I don't even believe in karma, so the fact that that's what ran through my mind kinda pissed me off. You see, back in the States, I was a real punk. The head of a gang at age 12, I was a renowned lit-fuse who was well-known for her hatred of preps, and here I was a school that practically screamed wealth and influence. It didn't help that I was on a scholarship, either.

I checked the map my mom had printed off of the net, but sure enough, I was at the right place. I sighed, shouldered my backpack, and walked onto the campus.

The few others that were walking to school were all tough, mafia-esque looking dudes, all wearing the same blue and black suits, complete with black ties. The few that I made eye contact with nodded in acknowledgement when I gave them my patented death glare, which I have to admit, made me crack a smile. Who knows, this could be fun after all.

Everyone else came by car—and by car I mean limo—and that was when I noticed that all the guys getting out of the cars had on the same blue and black outfits, which meant that it was probably the school uniform. I could live with that. Hell, I might even be able to convince the dean to let me wear the pants instead of a skirt!

But that's when I saw _it_. The girls who were on campus were all wearing these long-sleeved mustard-yellow dresses, complete with poufy shoulders and skirts. They all wore off-white tights and black shoes, either ballerina or heels, and to finish off the repulsive freak of nature was a thin black bow tied around their necks. There was no way in _hell_ I would be caught _dead_ in that…that _thing_!

People stared as I strolled the length of the courtyard, making me feel a bit underdressed. Which I guess is normal for me, but I had thought that I looked almost decent today; I had on a tee-shirt from my favorite burger joint, Joe Shmoe's, tight-fitting blue jeans, and sneakers.

My little sister constantly complains that I have no fashion sense, but I beg to differ. My fashion sense is great! I just don't really care what _I_ normally look like. For example, to go with my casual outfit, my hip-length copper hair was pulled back in a haphazard ponytail, my thick almost-uni-brow was furrowed over my glasses, and I was wearing a cubic zirconium post in my left year. I even had a purse—which was actually a murse(1)—slung over my shoulder.

With a scowl on my face, I made my way to the dean's office. I needed to get my schedule, after all. The door to the office seemed to touch the ridiculously high ceiling, its golden-copper knob at eye-level. I took in a deep breath, wiped the scowl off of my face, and knocked.

"Come in(2)," a man's voice said.

Opening the door, I thanked my lucky stars that I had been able to go to a K-8 immersion school via the Japanese program for all 9 years. The school was amazing, I had even managed to take French and Chinese starting in the sixth grade, but that's beside the point. Regardless, knowing that I could speak the language like a native did nothing to alleviate my fears of living in a new country or the feeling of being out of place. I walked inside and looked at the man sitting at the dean's desk. He was a blue-eyed blond, with a smile, age-lines, and a parental glint to his features.

"Um…I'm supposed to pick up my schedule?" I said nervously, "I just…well…did I come to the right place?" I figured that it would be better to play off as the nervous new kid on the block at first, until I had tested the waters to find out how deep I could go, as it were.

"Yes, you did," he replied, shuffling through the papers on his desk. He picked up a few, and then finally settled on one. Looking at me he asked, "Maddox Raille-chan(3), right?"

With a small nod I replied, "Yes, sir."

He handed me the paper, then said softly, "Welcome to Ouran High School, Maddox-chan."

With a small smile that I didn't feel, I bowed respectfully and said, "Thank you very much, sir."

Once I left his office, I looked at my schedule. All it said was Classroom 1-A, Hanatari-sensei(4). I knew where the classroom was, I had passed it on my way to the dean's office, and I knew that it wouldn't take too long to get there.

Nearly all the desks were empty, so I grabbed one near the back and arranged my stuff. I then sat at the desk, lay down my head, and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up when a pair of twin guys—HOT twin guys at that—walked over to my desk. I lifted my head to get a better look at them, and held back an appreciative whistle. At a glance, they were identical in their sexy goodness. However, one parted his spiky rust-colored hair on the left and had more worry lines on his forehead. The other parted his hair on the right, and his eyes held the distinct glint of a mischievous prankster.

"That's my seat," this second twin said.

I blinked slowly, and then gave the room an obvious scanning glance. I calmly leaned back and addressed the two juicy boys, "This isn't /kindergarten/," I said in a deliberate monotone, smiling pleasantly at the duo, "We don't have assigned seats. And to use the coined phrase, I was here first. Therefore this seat is not in fact yours, but mine. As you can see, there are plenty of other seats left unclaimed. By no means would it be unreasonable for you to simply find somewhere else to sit."

They gaped at me, and I mentally patted myself on the back for not losing my temper, even if it did make me look like a total geek. After a few seconds—how dare this person insult someone of wealth and status?—they recovered and exchanged looks.

"I don't think you get it," the second twin said, his eyebrow twitching in irritation, "We always sit in these two seats. And Kaoru always gets the window seat."

Now that I thought about it, I _was_ one desk away from the window seat. I just smiled my most—or so I'm told—intimidating smile and replied, "Not this year, you don't. But if you absolutely insist on having the two seats closest to the window, you'd best /scram/ and get them in a different row now, before they're all gone."

The second twin glared at me, then opened his mouth to say something when the first twin—Kaoru, I think his name was—put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's not worth it, Hikaru," he said, "Let it drop."

The second twin—Hikaru, apparently—shrugged off his brother's hand, glared once more at me, then turned on his heel and muttered, "Whatever."

They ended up taking seats in the row directly in front of me, and I smiled appreciatively when I noticed that it would be very easy to ogle them without notice.

Just when I had settled down to go back to sleep, a girl wearing a baggy sweater over a white, crumpled collared polo shirt and too-long blue jeans sat down at the window seat next to me. Her hair was cut haphazardly short in what looked like a boy's cut, almost as if she had done it herself with a pair of scissors. She, like me, wore glasses, though hers were thicker than mine, and her hair was a mousy-brown.

I smiled at her, and was pleasantly surprised when she smiled back.

"Hi," I said, holding out a hand, "I'm /Raille, Raille Maddox/. What's your name?"

"Haruhi," she replied as she shook my proffered hand, "Fujioka Haruhi. Nice to meet you, Maddox-kun(5)."

I bit back a laugh. I mean, sure, my boobs are nearly non-existent, so I guess mistaking me for a guy wasn't _too_ much of an unreasonable assumption. It wasn't the first time it had happened, sadly enough. For it to occur in more than one country…either I was the butt of an international joke, or I had gender issues.

"Nice to meet you too, Fujioka-chan."

That was all of the discussion we managed to have until lunch, because despite appearances, the classes were all above the average difficulty. The bell finally rang, signaling the end of the morning classes and the beginning of the lunch hour.

"Say, Fujioka-chan," I said, tapping her desk with my finger, "Want to eat lunch together? I ended up packing more in my bento(6) than I can justify eating."

She smiled at me, nodded, and replied, "Sure."

We grabbed our bentos and headed out into the courtyard. It was a nice day, and the sun winked in and out from behind fluffy white clouds.

"So," I said once we were done eating, "What's got you here at /Preps-R-Us/?"

She gave me a blank look, and I resisted smacking myself in the forehead for my stupidity for speaking in English.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly, "I meant 'Ouran'."

"I want to become a lawyer, and this is one of the best schools in the area." She paused thoughtfully—I sensed a story there but I wasn't going to pry just yet—and then asked, "What about you?"

I grimaced, and then admitted, "I honestly have no idea. My parents got me to take a bunch of scholarship entrance exams right before we moved here from the states, and they chose this school for me. But if I had to pin it on something…loath as I am to admit it, it would probably be karma."

"Karma?"

I shrugged slightly.

"Despite my oh-so-pleasant personality," I drawled, pausing as she giggled before continuing more seriously, "I was—well, still am actually—a…delinquent, I think is the term. Or was it Yankee?" I paused again, trying to think of the best way to phrase it. Unfortunately, I came up short. "I guess you could call me a yakuza(7), I ran a gang back home in the States." I looked at her, expecting a shocked of disgusted reaction, and I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised to see neither reaction on her face.

If I had to pin a reason why I continued to admit something I had never told anyone else, that would probably be the reason. No one had ever been that nice when I had told them what I had been and done, it was quite refreshing.

"I never really wanted to be in a gang," I admitted shyly, "Starting off; I just wanted a release, you know? Something I could control in my life, something that I could do, and that turned into a need to protect the people I cared about. Where I lived, the only way to do that was to join a gang. But I ended up getting in too deep, got in way over my head. That's probably my dad applied for a transfer, he doesn't think gang life is the place for a girl." I smiled sadly and ran my fingers through my ponytail. "He's probably right. But it's nearly all I've ever known."

This time when I looked at Haruhi, she was shocked. Well, I can't say I didn't expect it, but it still hurt.

"Sorry," I said, getting up to leave, "I didn't mean to unload my problems on you—"

"That's not it," she said hastily, "Really! It's just…"

"Just what?" I prompted half-heartedly.

"It's just…you're a girl?"

I started laughing.

"What?" she demanded.

Shaking my head as I fought to regain my breath I replied, "Out of everything I said, what surprised you was my gender? I must really be androgynous!" I smiled, and then continued, "Yeah, I'm a girl. But you're not the first person to think otherwise." After a pause I added, "Back in the States, I used to get hit on my both guys and girls all the time! It was pathetic!"

Haruhi giggled.

"Should I start calling you 'Raille-kun', then?" she joked.

"Call me Rai-kun, but only if I can call you Haru-chan!" I replied, laughing more naturally now.

And that's how I met Haruhi, the first person I could call a friend in this hell-hole, Ouran.

(1): A murse is a man-purse; it looks a lot like a knapsack.

(2): Dialogue written without / -words- / are being spoken in Japanese. With / -words- / is in English.

(3): -chan is used to express endearment, mostly toward girls. It is also used for little boys, pets, and even among lovers. It gives a sense of childish cuteness. Also, in Japanese, the last name is said before the first. It is also considered rude to address someone by their first name unless they are very familiar with them, as it is a sign of closeness.

(4): Sensei literally means "one who has come before," this title is used for teachers, doctors, authors, or masters of any profession or art.

(5): -kun is a suffix used at the end of boys' names to express familiarity or endearment. It is also sometimes used by men among friends, or when addressing someone younger or of a lower station.

(6): Bento is basically Japanese for lunchbox. It tends to be a box filled with food, wrapped up in a cloth handkerchief.

(7): The yakuza are the Japanese mafia.


	2. Curse Of The Reverse Harem

**Author's note: '**Sup, y'all? Well, here I am again with my first Ouran FanFic! THIS STORY IS OFFICIALLY THE FIRST ONE OF MY STORIES THAT HAD BEEN EITHER FAVED OR ALERTED! I LOVE YOU GUYS! Y'all get a special message at the end of the chapter. ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Ouran. If I did, I would be living with the incredibly hot, sexy beast that is Mori-sempai. Do not sue me for copyright infringement; this is bloody _fanfiction . net_, which means that the stories on here are written by _fans_, not the actual author. It's kinda obvious. Trust me on this one, I plan on becoming a lawyer. ^_0

**Chapter 2: Curse of the Reverse Harem**

Haruhi and I became thick as thieves, even after school. She kept me out of trouble, and I'd help her out around her house. We also studied together, and consistently tied for the top spot in the class.

After school one day, Haruhi and I were looking for some place on campus to study.

"I can't believe _all sixteen_ of these _gigantic_ libraries are so _loud_," I complained, tugging at my off-white 'RACISM, JUST UNDO IT' sweatshirt.

With a shrug she replied, "Haven't the slightest. 'Sides, rich people don't really seem to use common sense."

I laughed. It was nice, having someone to talk to. We actually had a lot in common. We both were what the preps called 'commoners', we were both scholarship students, and for the most part, we both liked school.

We wandered the halls until I noticed a room that looked like it might be empty, the 3rd Floor Music Room.

"Want to try here?" I asked, jerking my thumb at the door.

"Sure," she replied, reaching for the door handle, "Why not?"

She opened the door, and we stepped into a cascading curtain of red roses.

"Welcome," came a warm greeting.

It was one of the oddest things I'd ever seen. In front of us was a collection of some of the hottest guys I'd seen since arriving in Japan. There was a blond guy who looked about my height—a modest 6 feet—with purple eyes, a black-haired guy with black eyes and glasses who appeared to be just a few inches shorter, the hot twins I'd met my first day here (Kaoru and Hikaru), a black-haired guy with grey eyes who looked like he was a few inches taller than me, and an adorable blond cutie with big green eyes who looked like he was no more than 5 feet tall.

"Oh, it's two guys. How odd," the tall blond said. I looked him up and down, and then snickered. He looked like a pansy version of one of my subordinates back in the States.

"Fujioka Haruhi and Maddox Raille, the first-year scholarship students. Aren't they in your class, Hikaru, Kaoru?" Glasses asked.

The twins shrugged, uninterested.

"Yeah," they said simultaneously, "But they don't talk to anyone else too much."

"Except for Raille-kun," Hikaru said with a glare in my direction, "And when he talks, its' to be rude."

"/Sorry for being rude,/" I growled underneath my breath.

"Considering the fact that this school is primarily for those of great wealth and lineage, for a poor student—let alone two—to be enrolled here, they must be extremely studious commoners," Glasses commented.

My eyebrow twitched dangerously, and Haruhi placed a concerned hand on my shoulder.

"Rai-kun?" she asked carefully, mindful of the stories I'd told her about my infamously bad temper, "You okay?"

I nodded tersely, not trusting my voice to remain calm.

"I must commend you two commoners," the tall blond said, walking over to us with a rose in each hand, "You two are truly brave adventurers, to venture out of your pauperish niche to our great academy."

That was the final straw. When that blond prick came close to me, I snatched one of the roses from his hand, crushed the petals with my fist, and let it drop to the floor.

"Watch your tongue," I said icily, "Before you lose it."

"Rai-kun?" Haruhi said, a flash of fear shooting through her eyes as I looked over at her. My face was cold, the corners of my mouth twisted into a cruel, sadistic smile. Her fear made me calm down, I didn't want to scare away my only friend. I forced my face to return to normal and smiled apologetically at her before turning back to face the gaggle of guys.

Unable to completely curb my anger, however, I shoved my hands into my pockets and mumbled, "/Damn rich bastards wouldn't know good manners if they danced naked across their noses…/"

"At any rate," Glasses said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "Who would've thought the famous scholarship students were gay?"

Right when I was prepping to rip Glasses a new one, the short blond kid tugged on my sleeve.

"Ne(1), ne, Haru-chan, Rai-chan, are you really famous?" he asked, his green eyes wide with admiration.

_[/So…cute! Must…resist…the cuteness!/]_(2) I thought.

"No," Haruhi said, bringing my out of my thoughts, "We're not. We're just looking for a quiet place to study."

"Oh." The kid frowned for a second, then pulled out a cute cake from behind his back. With a bright smile he asked, "Do you want some cake?"

My heart melted. Don't ask me what it is about kids, but they're just so damned cute that I just can't resist!

"/Aren't you just the cutest thing?/" I cooed, picking him up to spin him around, "You're a right _beaux enfant, n'est-ce pas_(3)?"

The tall blond perked up when he heard me speaking French, but the tall grey-eyed guy seemed upset about me holding the small blond kid.

I glanced at the silent tall guy and asked, "What's with you? You this kid's bodyguard or something?" He blinked in affirmation, and I snorted. With a humorous smile I told him, "Not that he needs it. Don't worry, I don't fight kids, even if they are as insanely strong as this _petit enfant_.(4)"

Glasses gave me an approving glance as the tall blond asked, "Wait, you speak French?"

I put down the adorable kid, playfully ruffled his hair, and then straightened to nod at the tall blond.

"Yeah," I said with a shrug, "I took French and Chinese at my old school. I'm better at English and Japanese, though."

"We should go now," Haruhi said, grabbing my arm, "We have a test tomorrow, remember?"

As she dragged me toward the door, she bumped into a vase. We both turned toward it, reaching out to grab it before it fell, but we were too slow. It hit the ground with a loud crash, and cracked into millions of tiny, sharp pieces.

"I'll pay for that," we said simultaneously.

With a shrug the twins replied, "Oh, you will. We were planning on auctioning that off. The starting price was going to be 8,000,000,000 yen(5)."

"8,000,000,000 yen…," Haruhi mumbled, "That's 4,000,000,000 yen apiece…"

I frowned. _[/What kind of dumbass left such an expensive thing lying around? It was practically _asking _to be broken!/]_ Then I sighed. Of course, this was a prep school. Normal common sense didn't apply here. To them, it was probably a cheap vase, one purchased with pocket change.

The tall blond's manner changed once again. He sat down in a lavish chair that seemingly appeared out of nowhere and pointed a finger at Haruhi and me. Not his middle one, mind you, I'd've punched his lights out if that'd been the case.

"You broke it, you bought it," he quoted self-importantly, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!"

I stared at him blankly, waiting for him to make his point.

"From this day on, until you have paid your debt in full, you two will be the Host Club's dogs!"

Haruhi froze in shock, but I just blinked. Paling a few shades, I whispered, "Did you just say, 'Host Club'?"

The blond nodded.

I gulped, then asked, "As in, a bunch of hot dudes entertaining a bunch of chicks?"

Another nod, this one proud and obviously happy that I knew what his club was all about.

"For money?" This time, my voice came out in a high-pitched squeak.

This time Glasses was the one who nodded at me, a cold smile on his face.

I paled even further, it was painfully obvious now, and then glanced at Haruhi. If this had been an anime, she would have been dissolving right about now. I looked back at the group of guys, and slowly started backing into the wall. This could _not_ be happening. Life couldn't be _that_ cruel, could it?

"/Not _again_!/" I wailed, sinking to the floor and focusing on my breathing. _[/Why do these things always happen to me? If they guys find out…What if I have a relapse? What if…what if _he_ finds me again? Does fate have a grudge against me? Did I commit some terrible sin in a past life?/]_ Almost as an afterthought I considered, _[/Why the hell am I considering things I don't believe in, anyway?/]_

"Hmm…again? I wonder…" Glasses said, wandering over to his laptop.

Today was really not my day.

The next day, Haruhi and I grudgingly showed up at the Host Club before it opened. When we got inside, we were met by the other six members.

"Today," the tall blond said with a wide smile, "We will begin with introductions. I am Suoh Tamaki, the King of the Host Club. I'm the Princely Type. This is Ohtori Kyoya," here he pointed to Glasses, "the Vice-President of the Host Club. He's the Cool Type. Those are the Hitachiin twins," here he pointed to the twins, "Hikaru and Kaoru. They're the Brotherly Love Type. This is Morinozuka Takashi," here he pointed to the tall grey-eyed guy, "Otherwise known as Mori-sempai(6). He's the Wild Type. And, last but not least, this is Haninozuka Mitsukuni," he pointed to the cute blond kid, "Otherwise known as Hani-sempai. He's the Loli-shota(7) Type. Together, we are the Host Club!"

Hani bounced over to us and held out a big pink stuffed rabbit.

"And this is Bun-bun!" he said, flowers seeming to bounce around in the background.

I smiled at him, glad that I'd at least have the distraction of this cute kid to keep me sane.

"You will be doing general chores and running errands," Kyoya said, and Haruhi and I just looked at him.

"So…" I said, resigning myself to my fate as I rubbed my hands together, "When do we start?"

"Now. We're out of coffee. Haruhi, go get some."

I smiled sympathetically at her as she headed off, and then crossed my arms. "What about me," I asked.

"Ne, Rai-chan," Hani asked, tugging on my arm, "Do you want to eat cake with me until the club opens?"

With a smile on my face due to the proffered out I replied, "Sure thing, Hani-sempai." Lifting him up on my shoulders I added, "So long as you make sure you don't leave out Bun-bun. We wouldn't want him to get jealous, now would we?"

"Nope!" Hani replied with a bright smile. Mori followed us over to a little table laden with both tea and cakes.

"So, Hani-sempai, Mori-sempai, how long have you guys been fighters?" I asked, cutting a giant slice of a triple layered vanilla cake to put on Hani's plate.

They looked at each other, then at me.

"A long time. Why?" was Mori's question.

With a shrug I replied, "Just wondering." I cut two smaller pieces for myself and Bun-bun. "I mean, it's not often that I meet people as alert while seemingly relaxed as you two are."

"Well," Hani said, taking a large bite of cake, "Takashi's and my families run two famous dojo's(8), so we've trained since we were kids. What about you, Rai-chan?"

I put my finger to my lips, then leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "Promise not to tell?" Hani nodded brightly, so I looked at Mori who also nodded in confirmation. "I've never had a Sensei, not even once. All my skills are self-taught, from the fights I got into out in the streets."

Hani frowned. "If you're a girl, Rai-chan," he asked softly, "Why were you out fighting in the streets?"

"Aw, you're too cute, Hani-sempai," I said, ruffling his hair, "You're the first person who's cared about that."

Before Hani could stress the point, Kyoya called me over.

"Yeah, Ohtori-sempai?" I asked coolly.

"The guests are due to arrive soon," he said as he slid his glasses further up the bridge of his nose (a/n, you know everyone with glasses does this with their middle finger! I know I do!), "Prepare the tea and snacks."

"Sure thing, Ohtori-sempai. How many pastries per table?" Forcing myself to ignore the part about the guests, I focused on the logistics.

He studied me for a few seconds before replying, "No more than six. One of each is preferable, but not necessary."

I blinked. "Doesn't that cost a lot?" I asked, frowning as I mused aloud, "Wouldn't it be more cost efficient to have a menu for the clients, so they could order at their leisure, and not have it distract them from the hosts?"

As I walked over to the food cupboard, Kyoya followed me.

"What kind of menu did you have in mind?" he asked, obviously interested.

'Well," I said as I gathered the materials needed for each table, "Just a simple one. It'd have pictures of the snacks available—no prices, mind you—and recommended teas to go along with each snack. And if we arranged to have whatever host is off-duty to serve the food and drink, it would cut down on the cost of the staff to move and prepare everything. And if we keep records per month of what is ordered the most, we'll know what to keep larger stocks of, cutting down on the price of the initial order." Noticing that I was beginning to babble, I shrugged and started to steep the tea leaves. "But that's just a suggestion. You're the accountant, do as you see fit."

"What a novel idea," he said, calculating the cost/benefit ratio in his head, "Why, that would save nearly 35% of our food costs!"

I shrugged at him, smiling. "Small business tactics," I explained, finished with the job I'd been assigned, "It's all about cutting your costs wherever you can."

That was when the *shudder* guests began to arrive.

I dutifully led the guests to their tables, and then I headed for the back with hopes of having enough peace and quiet to be able to get a start on my homework.

A commotion at the door led me to go check out what the ruckus was with a heavy sigh.

It was just Tamaki, going gaga over the instant coffee that Haruhi had purchased. I shook my head and chuckled dryly.

"/Even though he's as rich as Satan, I guess a gaki's(9) still a gaki, after all./"

(1): 'Ne' is sort of like 'say', as in " 'Say',…you know…?"

(2): Raille has a major weakness for cute things. Shh, don't tell, she'll hunt you down and kill you. Oh, and _[ -words- ]_ are thoughts.

(3): French for 'handsome child, aren't you?'

(4): French for 'little kid.'

(5): Yen is the name of Japanese currency.

(6): Sempai, this title suggests that the addressee is one's "senior" in a group or organization. It is most often used in a school setting, where underclassmen refer to their upperclassmen as "sempai". It can also be used in the workplace, such as when a newer employee addresses an employee who is senior to them in the company.

(7): Loli-shota refers to an attraction to younger looking men.

(8): A dojo is a school for a martial art.

(9): 'Gaki' means 'brat', i.e. police brat, military brat, etc.

**To my wonderful reviewers/favoritors/alertors:**

**Bookits**: Thanks for that! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! Have a cookie, you're awesome!

**LoveThatWolf**: Aw, I feel embarrassed! Glad you like it that much! Have a cookie!


	3. Hosts and Gender Problems

**Author's note: **Hi, all. I know, I know, it's been a _really_ long time since I've updated this story. Bad Risa! *hits hand* I _have_ been writing more of it, and down on paper I'm up to chapter five, I think, but I really have been lax about actually sitting down and typing it up. So, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. I am currently working in Romania, big move from the old USA, I know, so I won't be posting regularly (Yeah, not much of a difference from before, but I'm trying to get better about it, honest!) because a lot of my time is being dedicated to learning Romanian. On the other hand, I have a lot of free time until I learn enough Romanian to be able to go out and do things without a translator, so with luck I'll be able to type up and write more to all of my stories, plus a few new ones I've been working on. And I think this note is long enough, so I'll just stop writing it right about…now.

**Disclaimer:** If I actually owned anything other than my OCs, my life would be so much easier…*goes off into dream world where Ouran is owned by me*

TV Announcer: So, Risa, how does being a successful author make you feel?

Me: Well, TV guy, it feels really good! Almost like a dream, actually.

Alarm clock: Risa! Wake up, you need to do the laundry, clean the house, feed, water, and walk the dog, go to your language class, and live your life!

Me: NOOO! Damn you, cruel fate, for making me not be famous and rich and popular! Damn you to hell!

I.E., Don't own, so don't sue!

**Chapter 3: Hosts With Gender Problems**

"For the final time, no!" I said, crossing my arms in exasperation, "We are _fundamentally_ opposed to that idea, Sempai. Live with it!"

Tamaki gave us his Puppy Eyes™, then went to his corner to grow mushrooms when Haruhi called him annoying.

The twins, fed up with Tamaki's wining, came over to us and started to remove our glasses.

"It's no use, King," they said, "They don't have the looks. They're probably the type whose eyes get smaller when you take off their glasses…"

They looked at our faces and froze.

"Hey," Haruhi complained, "Give them back! I can't see without them…"

I just sighed. Things were blurry without my glasses, and it never failed to give me a headache.

Tamaki rushed over to us, then said, "Kyoya, call the hairstylist. Mori-sempai, get some spare contacts from the school nurse. Hikaru, Kaouru, get the spare uniforms."

"Tama-chan, Tama-chan, what should I do?" Hani asked, his eyes sparkling.

"Hani-sempai?"

"Un(1), un?"

"Please eat the cake!" Hani sat at his table and ate his cake slowly.

"You know, Bun-bun," he said with a pout, "He said everyone else was busy."

After Haruhi and I put on our new contacts, the hairdresser arrived.

"Hmm…let's just cut this all off," he started saying but I cut him off.

"The hair stays." I'd been growing out my hair for years, as a symbol of my promise to my friends back in the States, a promise that went from always being there for them to trying to get over my traumatic past. But I'll get to that later.

"But you would look so good with shorter—"

"The hair stays. End of story. Trim it if you must, style it if you have to, but the length stays. Deal with it."

"Okay, okay, sheesh. Touchy much?"

So my hair was trimmed and pulled back into a neat high ponytail. That was when the twins came over with the uniforms.

"Time to get changed!" they called, stalking over to us.

"Alright, alright," I said, grabbing both of the uniforms.

"We'll get changed," Haruhi added, pushing the twins out of the changing room, "Just get out!"

That was when the Twins realized that we were girls. Or at least, that Haruhi was. Mori and Hani already knew about me, and it didn't take them too long to find out about Haruhi. Turns out Kyoya knew all along, but that's beside the point.

"D'you think we'll have to pay for them?" I asked Haruhi as we pulled on the uniforms.

"Dunno," she replied, watching me glare at my tie, "Let me help you with that."

"Thanks." I don't like ties. They remind me of bad, evil things…things from a time in my life that I wish every day that I wouldn't remember, but I always do.

Anyway, once we finished changing, we stepped out into the main room.

"Whoa," Kaouru said, "They actually look good." Hikaru nodded in agreement.

With a broad smile Tamaki said, "From now on, you two are hosts! To pay off your debts, each of you has to get 100 customer designations!" I froze for a split second, memories buried _deep_ down flashing before my eyes before I shook them off, then exchanged glances with Haruhi.

"Alright," I sighed resignedly, "I guess we're /game/ for that."

The next morning, Haruhi and I sat at our respective tables and waited on some girls. I didn't notice how Haruhi was doing, I was too busy internally bemoaning my fate and entertaining the two girls sitting in front of me.

I smiled roguishly at them, grudgingly thanking a dark part of my past for giving me the training needed for being a host. Then again, looking at the semi-dazed faces of the two girls looking at me, I had to wonder if it was worth it to not just go ahead and pay off both mine and Haruhi's debts and be done with it all…

"Thank you for requesting my services, /beautiful ladies/. Your bravery for trying something new is…impressive," I said smoothly, lowering mw voice to make it seem huskier.

"Oh, no," one said, blushing profusely, "We don't mind at all! The pleasure's all ours!"

I continued to butter them up with the Bad Boy act, you know, the gruff exterior with the gooey heart of gold on the inside? Yeah, that one.

"Ne, Maddox-kun," one girl—a blond with brown eyes named Zatsubo Kiri—started shyly, breaking off when I leaned towards her.

"Kiri-hime(2)," I said, shaking my head and tsking lightly, "Just call me Rai. No need to be formal with me."

"H-hai(3), R-r-r-Rai-kun," she replied, blushing and stuttering profusely. I just smiled and leaned back, silently urging her to continue. She blushed an even deeper red, then finished with more confidence. "Why did you become a host, Rai-kun?"

Careful to keep the smile on my face, my thoughts froze. For a few seconds, I was back in that dark alleyway, staring blankly at the ground as money was exchanged over my head, ownership being passed from one monster to another. I couldn't tell them the truth, not from the first time, nor from now. It was time to use distraction tactics.

"Tell me, Hime," I said roguishly, "What do you know of /_Dark Luna_/?"

The other girl at the table—a brunette with hazel eyes named Kunohara Miyaki—'kyaa~'ed and gushed, "/_Dark Luna_/ is the most popular professional host club in the world! I heard it was based somewhere in America! Or, at least it was, until it was shut down about a year ago."

I nodded thoughtfully. I'd known they'd taken a big hit when I'd been set free, but I hadn't known that it was enough of one to make them close. It made me wonder if any of the others got out…But enough moping, I had a job to do, and like it or not, I was going to do it.

Nodding agreeably I then asked, "Then tell me, have you heard of Phoenix?"

She nodded, her eyes growing distant as a thin line of blood began to dribble from her nose. I hid a shudder, if I was right, this girl had been crushing on my old host persona—which was last seen at age 13—thereby showing that not only was she a hentai(4), she had a loli-con(5).

The other girl at the table—a brunette with hazel eyes named Kunohra Miyaki—'kyaa~!'ed(6) and gushed, "Heard of him? Are you kidding? Phoenix-sama(7) is _only_ the most famous and well-know Bishonen(8) Host in the world!" I nodded slowly, feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I didn't get the attraction at all, what was so great about being with someone by paying them for it? It wasn't like it was a real relationship…not on the professional level, at any rate.

I inclined my head in a mock-bow and said with a trace of humor I didn't feel teasing my voice, "Glad to see I have fans everywhere."

"You-re…you mean…" Miyaki breathed, and I just smiled wryly. Standing, I bowed deeply before gently holding their hands to place a gentle kiss on the back of each of their knuckles.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, I am Phoenix." Releasing their hands, I smiled fiendishly before continuing, "/_Come on baby, light my fire._/" Corny, I know, but it was my tag-line at my old hosting gig. I didn't have any choice in it, or my stage name. I still haven't figured out how they came up with them…

"Can…can we request you tomorrow?" Kiri asked, blushing madly.

"It would give me no greater pleasure," I purred seductively.

And that's what I did for the rest of the day, mentioned my old stage name, let the "ooh" and "ah" and generally fawn over me until their time was up. Though I must admit, it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Considering I thought my PTSD would leave me as a blubbering mess on the floor, I thought I was doing a damned good job.

Once the club was winding down and the last of my customers for the day had left, Kyoya came over to see me.

"Keep it up, Raille-kun," he said coolly, "And you might be able to pay off your debt by the time you graduate."

I rolled my eyes and bit back a retort. He had no idea how easy it would be for me to get the money to pay off both mine and Haruhi's debt from the cash I've got in a Swiss bank account. I'd made it with the money I got after getting free from my last hosting gig, it had a few trillion bucks in there. I just didn't use it 'cause money doesn't mean that much to me.

Suddenly we heard a female's voice scream, "Kyaah! Somebody help! Haruhi's gotten violent!"

I looked over in time to see the twins dump water on Haruhi and her customer, both of whom lay on the floor.

"Oops," they said with identical shrugs, "We slipped."

Tamaki came over to them and helped the customer up.

"Tamaki-san," she said indignantly, "Did you _see_ what that _mongrel_ did?"

He ran his fingers through her hair before cupping her face gently with the palm of his hand. With a heavy sigh he said softly, "Haruhi is not that kind of guy. And you, hime, are no longer fit to be our customer."

She froze, then paled. Tears filling her eyes, she wrenched her face out of his grip and ran from the room crying, "Tamaki-san, ono baka!(9)"

Kyoya walked over to Haruhi and said, "Haruhi-kun? Your quota has now increased to 1,000,000."

Her jaw dropped for a few seconds before she steeled it and nodded. Mori came over to her and handed her a bag.

"Change into this," he said softly. She peeked into it, smiled, then nodded once again.

"Okay."

When she was getting changed, Tamaki went in to give her a towel.

"Wha-wha-WHAAAH?" I heard him scream, so I rushed into the changing room.

"Haru-chan, daijobu ka?(10)" I asked, but then I saw the problem. Tamaki was just standing there, hand clamped over his mouth as he blushed a brilliant cherry red. Shaking my head, I walked over to the curtain Haruhi was changing behind, opened the flap, and slipped inside. She was only partially clothed, and her shoulders were shaking with stifled laughter. I smile crookedly at her.

"Saw you in your bra?"

"Yeah, it was quite an interesting reaction."

Once she finished taking off her uniform, I handed her the towel Tamaki had dropped. Now dry, she pulled on the dress.

"Mind helping me zip up the back, Rai-kun?"

"Sure, no problem," I replied, walking over. She actually looked good in the dress, surprisingly enough. I still didn't like the thing, though. "You're done." I stepped back, smiling. "What a way to find out, huh?"

We left the curtained area to fin the hosts assembled in front of us. Tamaki was still blushing up a storm, which forced me to bite back the giggles threatening to burst from my mouth.

"He's quite slow some times, isn't he?" Hikaru asked, smiling wryly.

With a snort I muttered, "/And you're not? To think, it too you guys _quite_ a while to realize we were girls…crazy-ass sexist gender-blind Japanese bastards…/"

"You know," Haruhi said, smoothing out her skirt, "Being a host might not be so bad."

I gaped at her in mock-horror. "Not you too! Another innocent falls to the dark side!" I cried dramatically.

She just giggled. "Come on, the way those girls act is kinda cute. Talking to them is kinda fun, too."

I shook my head, "Wait 'till you get some rabid fans," I said, shuddering at the bad memories, "_Then_ you'll change your mind…"

"Ah," she said, hitting her palm with the side of her fist, "I should probably start referring to myself as 'Ore-wa'(11) now!" When this startled a laugh out of me she wagged her finger at me and continued, "You should too, Rai-kun!" I just laughed harder.

"Maa, maa,(12)" I said once I caught my breath, "If you insist, Haru-chan."

Tamaki frowned at me. "What do you mean, 'Rai-kun too'?"

I rolled my eyes. "/How thick can you get?/" I muttered. Striking a cutesy pose I replied, "I'm a girl too. /Nimrod./"

The twins looked at me, jaws hanging in surprise. Pointedly giving them a heated glare, I turn to Haruhi and sighed before giving her my best puppy-dog face.

"_Haru_-chan," I whined pitifully, "Is it really _that_ hard to believe I'm a girl?"

She pat me on the back, smiling slightly. "Daijobu, Rai-kun," she stated plainly, "You're a foreigner. It makes sense they couldn't tell with you. Me, on the other hand, that's just evidence of stupidity."

At that point, Tamaki fainted. Kyoya and the rest decided to keep our secret, so unfortunately we were still hosts. Go figure. I hate my life.

(1): "Un" is an affirmative response, sort of like "Yeah" in English. Another use can be viewed by looking at Deidara from NARUTO, who always puts "un" at the end of every sentence.

(2): "Hime" means "Princess" in Japanese.

(3): "Hai" means "yes" in Japanese

(4): "Hentai" is one of the Japanese terms for "pervert", though it can also be used to refer to any form of porn.

(5): "Loli-con" is a moniker for someone with a Lolita complex, or an attraction to young persons typically of the opposite gender.

(6): "Kyaan~!" is something fangirls say when something sparks their fandom. This is similar to "SQUEE~!"

(7): -sama is one level higher than –san, and is used to confer great respect.

(8): "Bishonen" means "beautiful boy", and is used to refer to someone why is amazingly handsome. A shorter version of the word, "bishe", is also often used.

(9): "Tamaki-san, ono baka!" = "Takami, you idiot!"

(10): "Daijobu ka?" = "Are you alright?"

(11): "Ore-wa", literally "I am" in the masculine form. "Anata-wa" is the feminine form.

(12): "Maa, maa" I can't think of anything that is equivalent to this in English. It's kind of a placating thing to say, or at least, that's what I gather from how Hitake Kakashi uses it in the anime NARUTO.


End file.
